A Hard Heart

Night and Day

My sister and I are complete opposites. If you know the both of us, you know that is no exaggeration.  Growing up, our differences kept us apart. As we have grown older, they have brought us closer together.  I have always admired my sister, and I probably don't tell her that enough.  One of the things that I admire the most about her is her soft, compassionate heart. Ironically, that is the thing that I have always given her the hardest time about over the years.  To say my sister is sensitive would be an understatement.  However, you never have to wonder where she stands or how she feels about something.

I have spent years hiding feelings, shutting people out and lashing out at those who hurt me.  Sure, my sister has shed more tears but she has also received more love.  You see, when you protect yourself from getting hurt by shutting people out, you also shield yourself from love and friendship and from Christ.  I have gone through life with the theory that if people really wanted to get to know me, they would be willing to chip away at my stone exterior.  This is true of some people. However, some have seen my hard heart and given up. I don't blame them.

Ten years ago, I would have died of shock if you had told me that I'd be saying what I'm about to say: I wish I was more like my sister. I wish I was gentle and kind. I wish I cried, not because I was weak, but because I was strong enough to feel a sense of deep compassion for others. I was I was quiet enough to listen to others more often. I wish I was patient enough to stop and think before I said or did things.  I wish I had a soft heart.

Chipping Away the Stone


If God’s love, so great and wonderful, will not soften thy heart, what will? - Richard Baxter

Last night, I expressed these feelings to my father and he laughed and said "Your heart is softer than you think, otherwise you wouldn't care."  I began to realize that maybe the stone walls I have spent my whole life building up are beginning to slowly but surely be chipped away. God is the only one capable of making a hard, stubborn heart like mine soft- no man can do it, several have tried and failed miserably.  I know this won't be an overnight transformation but I see pieces of my walls crumble a little at a time.

I know I will never be Mother Theresa and I don't aspire to be- although I admire her.  I am loud, blunt, opinionated and sarcastic, but that's a part of who I am.  However, I would like to spend some time with God and let him chip away at the stone I've entombed myself with so many years. I would like people to see that behind this tough exterior, there is a soft heart hiding somewhere.